Let's Call The Whole Thing Off
by Whatchoofelloverfor
Summary: Simple, fluffy,  hopefully  funny LJ fic based on the Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald song of the same name. James and Lily have finally gotten together, but can the relationship survive their constant bickering  and Sirius' constant lewd comments ?
1. Chapter 1

**Ooookay, y'all, here's the beginning of the end of my Louis Armstrong-inspired fics. There will be two chapters after this one, and hopefully I'll post them sometime today. With any luck, having run out of ideas for these short little stories, I might actually get back to TMBTM and Two Birds…. Cross your fingers, my lovely readers!**

**- Lorraine**

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><p>LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF<p>

(Louis Armstrong & Ella Fitzgerald)

Lyrics:

_Things have come to a pretty pass,_

_Our romance is growing flat,_

_For you like this and the other,_

_While I go for this and that._

_Goodness knows where the end will be,_

_Oh I don't know where I'm at,_

_It looks as if we two will never be one_

_Something must be done_

_You say either, I say either_

_You say neither, and I say neither_

_Either, either, neither, neither,_

_Let's call the whole thing off_

_You like potato, and I like potato,_

_You like tomato, I like tomato_

_Potato, potato, tomato, tomato_

_Let's call the whole thing off_

_But oh, if we call the whole thing off then we must part_

_And oh, if we ever part then that might break my heart_

_So if you like pajamas, and I like pajamas_

I'll wear pajamas and give up pajamas

_For we know we need each other, so _

_We'd better call the 'calling off' off_

_Let's call the whole thing off_

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><p>IT was December of their seventh year at Hogwarts, and James Potter had <em>finally<em> charmed Lily Evans. Since September, James had tried to back off and prove to Lily that he was a capable head Boy and all-around likeable bloke. Much to his and the other marauders' astonishment, this tactic had worked on the fiery-headed Head Girl.

James had asked her to the Halloween Ball, she'd accepted, and the two Head Students had later been found putting their private dormitories to _very_ good use. Breakfast the next morning saw the entire Hogwarts population (including most teachers) slack-jawed and wide-eyed at the new couple, who walked into the Great hall hand in hand, acting as if nothing were out of the ordinary. (The effect was somewhat ruined when Sirius wolf-whistled and James' face split into an ear-to-ear grin.)

In their honeymoon phase, the two had been nearly inseparable, mostly because James followed Lily everywhere (and instead of turning to jinx or yell at him, now Lily just giggled at him). They were adorable "to the point of nauseating" according to Sirius, sitting next to each other and holding hands in classes and at meals. (James had become quite ambidextrous in the first few weeks, learning to write and eat with his left hand since his right was often occupied by Lily's smaller one.) They snuck into Hogsmeade weekly for dinner and a moonlit stroll, during which James would often lend Lily his coat or scarf, since she refused to let him "warm her up" in any other way (at least in public). Basically, they were Hogwarts' dream couple, publicly displaying their affection on an hourly basis.

Everyone (except Lily) had always known that the two Gryffindors would wind up together, and with six years of built-up sexual tension, the relationship was bound to be a passionate one. They still got into the occasional screaming match in the corridors, but both James and Lily now had motivation to keep their verbal jousts to a minimum. Lilly was concerned with keeping up her role model reputation as Head Girl, and she didn't want to set the bad example of hexing her boyfriend between classes. James, on the other hand, cared little about his reputation—but he _was_ worried that if he went to far, Lily would A. refuse to have sex with him anymore, or B. break up with him altogether. Neither of these were situations he'd be happy with, so James tried not to make his girlfriend too angry.

"Although I bet the make-up sex would be excellent," said Sirius, when James had voiced his thoughts. James had smacked him, but some little voice in the back of his head had agreed wholeheartedly.

After they'd been going out for about a month, though, the novelty began to wear off. The pair was fighting more often now (though they tried to confine these spats to the privacy of the Head Dorms), and their friends could tell that something was amiss. Sirius, tactless as ever, decided to bring it up one day when James seemed especially tense.

"So, Prongs, trouble in paradise?"

James looked up from his porridge, which he had been glaring at. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said, stood up, and left the Great hall. Lily looked at his retreating back, and started to follow him, before she seemed to remember she was angry. Frowning, she sat back down.

Remus smacked Sirius on the shoulder.

"Ow! What?" the black-haired boy said, irritated.

"Now you've done it, Padfoot! He's obviously quite upset about something."

"Yeah, about Lily," Peter piped up.

Surprised that Peter might know something they didn't, Remus and Sirius turned to him, the latter still looking reproachfully at his lycanthropic friend, who asked, "You know something, Wormtail?"

"Huh? Oh, no, nothing specific. Only, he's always upset about Lily…"

"Too right you are, Wormy," said Sirius, apparently forgetting about his wounded arm. "They're such an old married couple. I wonder what they're yelling at each other about this time."

"Well, I hope they make up soon. They're both so tetchy when they're in an argument. No fun at all to be around," said Remus worriedly.

"More importantly, I hope they make up in a way that involves James getting laid, because he gets _especially_ 'tetchy' when he's not getting any. And I'd wager Lily is a whole lot more fun when she's naked."

Remus slapped him again, on the back of the head this time.

"Bloody hell, Moony!" Sirius yelled. "I'm just telling it like it is! No need to cause brain damage." Remus rolled his eyes.

"It's true, Remus, I think Black's already lacking enough brain cells without your help."

Perhaps Sirius should have been frightened by the angry voice of Lily Evans behind him, but then he would hardly be living up to his Marauder reputation. (Although Peter was currently cowering slightly in his seat.)

"Lily, dear! What can we fine gentlemen do for a fetching lady such as yourself?"

"Laying the charm on thick, this morning, are we, Sirius _dear_? No need, since I already know you're a misogynistic Philistine and want nothing to do with you."

"Why, Lily Flower! I'm hurt! And here I thought we were the greatest of chums. Wasn't it just yesterday that you magnanimously offered to help me with my Potions work?"

"I believe you are misremembering, Black. As I recall, that interaction consisted of me throwing you out of the Head Dorms and threatening to poison you with something for which even Slughorn couldn't find an antidote."

"Ah, yes. So you can see how I would have been confused," said Sirius, giving her a winning smile. "Anyway, Lilykins, are you just towering over me menacingly for the fun of it, or did you have a particular message to relay?"

"Just that I'd prefer that you not make jokes about my sex life, or insinuate that I'm boring."

"But you _are_ boring." Sirius managed to dodge Remus' hand this time. "Honestly, though, love, you just study, and read, and sit on the grounds with your friends. Where's your sense of adventure? Abuse your Head Girl Powers for once! Talk back in class! Hell, why not try going to a Quidditch match for once in your life? Merlin forbid, you might actually have some _fun_."

"Christ, what is it with you boys and your bloody Quidditch?" she screamed, and stormed off.

"Was it something I said?" asked Sirius innocently, earning yet another blow to his arm.

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><p><strong>Revieeeeewwww! Please.<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Alright, loves, there's one more chapter to come! But I think I'm going to make myself some cookie dough first, so sit tight. Let me know if you like it, or if you don't! (No, not the cookie dough, sillies, the **_**story**_**!)**

**- Lorraine**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 2<strong>

In fact, Lily was not upset so much by what Sirius had said as by the fact that James had said essentially the same thing to her the night before, when they'd gotten into a rather serious argument.

James had just returned to the Head Dorms, a couple of hours after dinner, and lily asked what he was doing.

"Oh, nothing to worry about, love. Just a prank on the Slytherins. The usual."

"James!" Lily said indignantly.

"Lily!" he responded, smiling and mocking her slightly. _Hmm, wrong move_, he thought when he saw her eyes narrow.

"James, you can't just go pranking people because they're Slytherins. You really shouldn't prank people at all."

"What? Lily, we've talked about this, all right? You might as well tell me to quit being a Marauder. It's who I am; it's what we do. I've toned it down quite a bit this year, partly because I'm Head Boy but mostly because I know it bothers you. That said, I'm not going to stop altogether. Really, it's just a bit of harmless fun."

"Harmless fun? More like cruel bullying of people based on what House they're in!"

"To-may-to, to-mah-to," he said, smiling and turning to go to his room. He really didn't want to argue with her right now. "Goodnight, Lils!"

"No! We're not done with this discussion, Potter! You know how I feel about the fact that you spend all your free time with Remus and Peter and Sirius—I think it's great that you have such good friends, and I'd never ask you to give that up. But why, for Merlin's sake, can't the four of you spend your time doing something less juvenile than pranking people?"

James had slowly turned to face Lily during her tirade, getting angrier by the second. "Well, Lily, I'm glad you think so highly of us," he said with biting sarcasm. "Even if I am 'juvenile,' at least I'm honest about what I do with my mates."

Lily was still angry, but this last comment confused her. "And what is _that_ supposed to mean, Potter?"

"Well, _Evans_, I only meant that you spend an awful lot of _your_ free time in the library cozied up to some bloke or other!"

"What are you talking about?"

"You think I haven't noticed all the days you've blown me off to go 'study' with Remus? Or Frank Longbottom? Or Amos Diggory? They're certainly not just hanging about with you for your brains," he said angrily.

Lily stood staring open-mouthed at James for a moment, too stunned to speak. "Wow," she said quietly, "I don't think I've ever been so thoroughly offended I my life." The rage was beginning to overshadow the shock now, and she was getting back into the argument. "First, you suggest that I'd cheat on you-which is _absurd_ if you know me at all-and then you as good as say that the only good thing about me is how I look! How dare you? I didn't think even you could be this shallow, James." He opened his mouth to retort, but Lily wasn't done. "And _then_ you insult good friends of mine, too! First of all: Remus? Really? If you think either one of us would do that to you, you're mad. Secondly, you know very well that Frank and I are just friends and that he's been practically engaged to Alice since fourth year. And what's this about Diggory? Because A. I have never spent _any_ time studying or doing anything else with him, and B. I've told you on several occasions that I think he's a pompous git!" she finished, breathing heavily.

James had the decency to look slightly abashed, but he wasn't done arguing. They hadn't had a fight like this since the "Incident" after O.W.L.s their fifth year, and he was determined to get all his issues out in the open so they could clear the air.

"Well, I'd be less jealous and suspicious if you'd ever agree to spend time doing fun things with me! We never go to Hogsmeade anymore, and you didn't even let me finish my sentence before you refused to come to the Hufflepuff-Ravenclaw match!"

"James, we've got midterms in a month, and I for one would rather not spend all of the winter holidays studying, so I'm trying to get a head start. Besides, I think Quidditch is a stupid, ruthless game," she spat.

It was James' turn to be speechless. How could she so easily dismiss something he was so passionate about? "What? Quidditch is _not_ stupid! It's brilliant! It takes a great deal of skill and practice, and it's competitive, yeah, but not 'ruthless!"

"To-may-to, to-mah-to," she said, smiling spitefully as she used his own words against him. "Goodnight, James," she finished, and pranced up the stairs to the head Girl's room before he could retaliate.

She didn't quite get the last word, though. In the morning, James was waiting for her in the Head common room, seemingly waiting to escort her down to breakfast. Affronted, Lily opened her mouth to inform him that he would do no such thing, but James beat her to it.

"Don't worry, Lils, I know you're still mad at me," he said wearily. "I'm not here to take you to breakfast. I hope you don't still think I'm dim enough to wound your pride like that," he gave her a rueful smile. He didn't wait for her to return it, but continued on. "Anyways, I need to talk to you." He sighed.

"That sounds pretty ominous, James. Shall we wait until we've both cooled down a bit" Lily asked, a bit nervous about her boyfriend's unusually serious tone.

"Well, that's just it, Lily. We seem to be perpetually 'cooling down' from some fight or other, and that's just not a good way to be. I don't think either of us is too happy with it. Maybe this…us… we're just going flat. We gave it a good run, you know…. But at the moment, it looks to me as if we two will never be one." He looked at Lily mournfully, and she heard the dreadful ring of finality in his voice.

"You… you're calling it off?" she asked quietly, unable to meet his eye as she felt the treacherous prick of tears.

"Oh, Lils, don't cry!" he said, rushing over. He made to put his arms around her but stopped himself. "Come on, you know that this isn't what I wanted. I've loved you since third year! But I thought that once you were on your way to loving me back we'd stop bickering all night and day. I thought we'd stop wanting to kill each other, or at least that we'd be able to channel that anger to the bedroom and have done with it," she gave a laugh-sniffle at that. "But we disagree about so many things that it puts a strain on all the good parts of our relationship. It's like we spend three fourths of our time snapping at each other, and I don't want that, even if it means I can't see you naked." He ducked down so his face was level with hers and gave her a searching look. "So, yes, Lily. I want to call it off."

He straightened, waiting for her to collect herself. After about a minute, she looked up to meet his eye. "Alright James. Though this sudden bout of maturity scares me a bit," he smiled weakly, "I think you're right. But can we just call it a hiatus? 'Calling it off' sounds so final."

"To-may-to, to-mah-to, Lily," James said sadly, and he walked off for breakfast, leaving her there to ponder the strange and vindictive workings of fate.

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><p><strong>Feedback is lovely, did you know?<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Alright, this is the third and final chapter of Let's Call The Whole Thing Off, and you know what that means: now I have no excuse not to be writing TMBTM and/or Two Birds. We'll see how that goes. For now though, here's my attempt to placate you.**

**- Lorraine**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 3<strong>

You may or may not be surprised to know that Lily was the one who cracked. Though she had initially agreed with James that they fought too much to really enjoy the relationship, now that they're parted ways, she even missed the arguing.

It had been two weeks since that faithful morning, and James and Lily hadn't even had a conversation that didn't involve schoolwork, Head duties, or passing some condiment or other down the Gryffindor Table. And now Lily didn't even have the luxury of that brief contact, since Hogwarts students were now home for the winter recess.

It was three days before Christmas, and all Lily could do was sit in her bedroom and mope, cursing herself for having such a fiery temper, and hoping that this heartbreak wasn't what James had been suffering since third year. _If it was this bad_, she thought, _he's a lot stronger than I gave him credit for._

On Christmas Eve morning, Lily was artfully arranging the six varieties of cookies she'd made with her mother, listening to various Christmas albums. Mixed in amongst the Nat King Cole, Bing Crosby, and Eartha Kitt was a non-Noel themed collection: The Best of Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. Lily had grown up with this music, and she found herself singing along to one of her all-time favorite songs: "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off." Despite its seemingly depressing title, Lily thought it was one of the best love songs ever written, because it gave a realistic picture of relationships: even people in love often disagree. As Ella and Lily reached the turning point of the song, the redhead found tears dripping down her face.

"_But oh, if we call the whole thing off, then we must part. And oh, if we ever part then that might break my heart… So if you like pa-jam-as, and I like pa-jaw-mas, I'll wear pa-jam-as, and give up pa-jaw-mas…. For we know we need each other, so we'd better call the 'calling off' off. Oh, let's call the whole thing off…"_

And before she could notice that she'd partly soaked the top layer of chocolate crinkles with her crying, Lily Evans Apparated to Potter Manor.

She found herself in the foyer of an elaborately decorated house—_more like castle, _she thought—and immediately cursed herself for being so impulsive. Before she had too much time to ponder this, thought, a small creature that Lily took to be a house elf scurried into the hallway. Though the elf was clearly startled to find a splotchy-faced ginger in her family's house, she came forward and politely introduced herself in a squeaky voice.

"Hello, Miss! Mopsy is very pleased to make your acquaintance, and welcomes you to Potter Manor. Miss must be a dear friend of Master James or master Sirius if Miss knows how to transport herself through the enchantments. Shall Mopsy fetch the young sirs? Or perhaps Miss would like a handkerchief while Mopsy fixes her some cocoa? Mopsy does not mean to offend Miss, but she looks most unhappy," the elf finished, looking sympathetically at Lily.

"Oh, Mopsy, I'm dreadfully sorry. How rude of me to Apparate inside the house without even announcing my presence. And I must look a fright," she dithered. "My name is Lily Evans, and it's a pleasure to meet you."

For some reason, the elf's eyes widened when she mentioned her name, and Mopsy smiled brightly. "Miss Evans! Oh, yes, Mopsy is hearing much about Miss Evans from Master James. Master James is very fond of Miss Evans, and so Miss Evans is most welcome!"

Lily had blushed at the mention of James having said nice things about her, but she was beginning to second-guess herself. "Oh, thanks ever so much, Mopsy, but I think maybe this was a bad idea. I'll just leave now. Happy Christmas!" she turned to go, and then added, "No need to tell, er, 'Master James'—"

"—that you were here?" A familiar voice interrupted, and its owner stepped out from a doorway down the hallway. "Hullo, Lily Flower," said Sirius Black brightly. "It's lovely to see you. I'd let you go, but I'm sure Prongs would want to see you, and if I'm not mistaken, I hear his big feet stomping this way as we speak." He winked at her. "Mopsy, would you help me frost the Buche de Noel for Mama Potter? I always get hopelessly distracted when there's food around."

"Master Sirius is a bad, bad boy! Mopsy doesn't know why Mistress trusts him to do anything at all!" said the elf in a lovingly exasperated way, leading Sirius back into the kitchen and leaving Lily alone once again.

"What's he done now, Mops—Lily?" James' voice came from her right. "What are you doing here?" he asked, coming to stand in front of her. She smiled weakly. "Oh, sorry, that sounded a bit rude… I just meant… I wasn't expecting to see you." James was still looking at her as if she were a strange marsupial in his hallway.

So, she blurted: "James, I'll wear pajamas if you want me to!" Now he gave her an even stranger look, so she thought she'd better explain. "In stead of pa-jaw-mas, that is."

"Lily, what…?"

She wasn't explaining herself very well, apparently, so instead she hugged the boy, crushing her small body against his taller one and hoping he'd never let go.

"I'm sorry, James. For not making sense, and for arguing with you about your pranks, and for kicking your mates out of the dorm, and for not liking Quidditch. Our fights aren't the best art of our relationship, but they're _far_ better than nothing."

"And the make-up sex _is_ excellent, right?" called a voice from behind them. James shot a quick hex in Sirius' direction and was pleased to hear the thump of a limb-locked body hitting the kitchen floor.

"Well, Lils, I can't say that I disagree with you, but what brought on this sudden urge to tell me?"

"Oh, it was just a song I heard. The point is, James, that being apart from you breaks my heart. I know now that I need you in my life, so… I think we'd better call the 'calling off' off."

"You mean no more hiatus?" he said, grinning.

"To-may-to, to-mah-to," she said, and then she kissed him.

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><p><strong>The end! Whatchoo think?<strong>


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